The Dateless Gay Man

The Dateless Gay Man: A Survival Guide
By Lex Bonife

(This article first appeared in Valentino magazine)


You chat. You party. You even try visiting the blue bars once in a while. But still, you don’t seem to meet the “right” guy that you would like to date steadily.

Has the gay market run out of “steady date-material” guys? Is the majority content with one night stands and quick gratifications? Or are some people doomed to be dateless for the most part of their lives?

The issue is not about sex. Sex has been quite easy for the gay men. It’s everywhere. It even comes cheap nowadays ranging from less than a hundred bucks to a few thousand pesos, given if you’re game for the flesh trade. And it can get a lot cheaper, especially if you’re willing to settle for a quick “orgasmic” fix inside dark parks, secretive rest rooms and your popular “raid-able”, rundown theaters.

But meeting that single and attractive guy, who would be willing to spend moments with you, whom you would proudly introduce to your friends and family and who genuinely shares your interests -- is quite rare in this lifetime (at least for me).

So I came up with a short list of “things-to-do” and “must-always-remember-stuffs”, every time I feel sorry that I’m dateless. I hope some of these things help, should you find yourself in the same situation.


· Being dateless is never a tragedy.

Even the most beautiful and most successful people in our society, whether straight or gay find themselves in a “dateless” mode at one point of their lives. So if you’re dateless, that does not automatically mean that there is something terribly wrong about you. Never feel bad.


· Image is Power.

Humans are primarily motivated by what they see. So, let’s accept it, we are judged with what people see from us. As date searchers, it is our primary duty to stay as beautiful, as healthy and as fit as we can get. Don’t expect people to have the patience to search for the inner beauty in you. Let it shine for all people to see!


· Do-it-yourself.
Discover the joy of doing things that are best done when you’re alone. Read a good book. Watch an art film and really think about it. Enroll yourself in a skill that you have long wanted to learn – photography, music or any sport. Being alone does not mean you have to stop growing and enjoying life. Never wait for the right guy in despair.


· Know your history.

Have you dated other men in the past? Did you enjoy these moments? How did you feel about these men from your dating history? If you have gone out steadily with men whose company you at least enjoyed, just remember, if it has happened in the past, there is still a significant probability that it can happen again in the future. So, if you have dated “great” men, there’s always a possibility that you could be dating other “great” men in the near future. It’s a lot more fun to look at it that way.


· Don’t set an alarm.

For men, there is no such thing as a biological clock. Don't pressure yourself into a steady relationship at any point in your life. Remember, it is better to be alone and happy than get stuck with the wrong partner.


· Is X=enemy?

Life becomes more complicated if your list of “exes” is directly proportional to your list of most hated people i.e. each and every ex automatically becomes an enemy. As much as possible, be friendly with your exes. The gay world is a small world. If you bump into each other, smile or even talk to them. Being able to let go of failed relationships is a sure sign of maturity.


· Get the “Miss Friendship” title.

For a lot of people, they think that their relationships didn’t work because of misgivings or personal weaknesses. Here’s a task. Start making friends with people coming from different background from yours. Ask and learn about their dating and mating perspectives. You would soon realize people’s behavior with their relationships is highly influenced by their unique background and personal history. Accept that every person has distinct and different sets of paradigms when it comes to dating. It’s not always our fault.


· Be your own best friend.

Make friends with yourself. Examine yourself honestly especially if you find it difficult to establish relationships. Do you have an attitude or a behavior that gets in the way in keeping relationships with other men? Knowing ourselves, our needs and our hang-ups should always be a continuous process if we want to grow as individuals and as future partners.


· The "right" guy is never a "perfect" guy

Should you find a “not-so-exciting” guy who is willing to go out with you, remind yourself, there is no prince charming created for each and one of us. If you want a long term partner in life, the guy would never meet all your expectations. After all, he is just human just like you are – capable of being imperfect and inconsistent.


Our happiness should never be dependent on another person. But that does not mean that we could happily live isolated lives away from others. Failed relationships from our past have certainly hurt us and have inevitably changed us. But we should never allow these failures to embitter us.

For me, our lives are like a series of short stories. Like a good story, good things and relationships come to an end. But one should never lose the passion and the zeal to always start a new story at any point in his life.