Part of 1 of a letter from "The Lonely Engineer"
If you are a gay man, what will you do if for almost three decades of your life, you have never been intimate with another man? Here's an interesting story from Drake, who calls himself "The Lonely Engineer":
I am a constant visitor of your site. I just wanna seek your advice on my personal life coz I am at a lost.
I am 29 years old, discreet gay, currently working in the Middle East. I have been single since birth, never been touched nor kissed. The reason maybe is because of the fact that I am not that good-looking, or I am a bit hesitant because of my faith.
Anyhow, this is how my story goes. I left the Philippines to work in the Middle East to forget a lost love. You see, I fell in love with my straight friend. I hid my feelings for him and ended up leaving him. He had no clue whatsoever why I suddenly became cold and started leaving him behind. We went our separate ways with no closure.
When an opportunity arose for me to work in the Middle East, I grabbed it with no hesitations, so I can forget the pain and start picking up pieces of my self that I’ve lost. You might be wondering how I can hurt this much, when nothing really ever began. I hurt because I lost a friend to my own fault. I fell in love with a straight guy, a friend more than anything.
Years went by. I started to forget his face. I recently took a vacation back home and indulged my self in exploring my sexuality by being an audience to my first gay bar experience, with my girl friends. Unfortunately, I have no guy friends, nor do I have gay friends to share this with. If you see me, you wouldn’t think I am one of you. My eyes were feasted with gyrating bodies up-close. That was the vacation that I will always remember.
Then I went back here in the Middle East. People in my work place do not have any idea of who I truly am. I have a lot of guy friends here who are my friends because they think I am straight. There is this one guy that I allowed myself to fall for. Big mistake, coz it’s like history repeating itself in a different location. When I started falling for him; that was the time I started ignoring him, because I don’t want to completely fall for him. But I already did.
He confronted me about it and I told him that I was just going thru a phase. But he was very persistent because he really considered me as a friend.
So that night, I walked into his room and took the risk of telling him that I am in fact gay. He laughed. He could not believe it. He wanted me to prove it. I wanted to kiss him but I was afraid that he might hit me or something. So I asked if I can stay the night. He agreed. We were both on the same bed. When the lights turned off, I started grabbing his crotch. He kept saying, “huwag pre, huwag”. Then I started pleading, “mabilis lang to pre, sige na, pagbigyan mo na ko” while kissing his chest and biceps…
To be continued...