Monday, July 7, 2008

This Boy Has Secrets

Hi Lex,

We don't know each other. Though I'm an "aspiring writer" who has published an essay in Phil Star, some poems in Phil Graphic, two articles in Panorama. I also attended a short course/crash course in Scriptwriting in UP. I studied in UP Diliman. Took a course in engineering, but now I'm an IT (Computer programmer) professional/freelancer. Though my career is in technology, my heart will always be in writing. When time permits, I will enroll again in writing courses.

Just Like Antonio

Anyway, I couldn't help myself but write you because you have touched a very sensitive chord in me. Ang Lihim ni Antonio touched me deeply for I had a similar background. Though, believe it or not, I have not engaged in actual sex (either oral or anal). But there were many attempts. But let me tell you those experiences were in my pre-teens (below 12 or before I entered high school) unlike that of Antonio's. Also that of being "far" from the father or there's a lack of "father" or male-role-model figure.After watching the movie ...a lot of things went into my head.

I also dropped by your blogs in wordpress and blogspot. I was saddened by your entries.Anyway, I wish I could talk to you in person... I feel that you are very intelligent, very wise. So I'm emailing this to congratulate you. I have not watched any gay movies.

Judgement on Gay Films
I would often criticize gay movies including Lihim whenever the trailer was showing on television right in front of family members, as well as officemates and friends. Aside from relating to the movie (I wish I could share with you what happened to me in the past), what struck me the most is the message. The purpose.... questioning the purpose of existence plus the sad, very sad wishes of yours upon death. I'm a Catholic. And I will not try to persuade you into my thinking. But I will pray for you. Regarding myself, I have long made a decision but although I have made it, it doesn't eradicate my past and my "instincts" that once I asked myself what the purpose is for. I'm contented that those instincts are like a spasm or temporary abnormal (meaning not the usual) breathing.

Being Gay as an Abnormality
Ang problema ko lang sana wala itong ganitong "abnormality" kasi nakakasagabal siya sa normal na buhay. Totoo, gaya ng mensahe mo, bakit, bakit. Why why. Pero meron ka ring sinabi sa linya ni Antonio "ano kaya kung pinanganak ako sa Amerika o sa Afghanistan". Ibig bang sabihin na ang nagpapalungkot sa sa isang bakla (ayon sa pelikula) ay ang kultura sa Pinas na di katanggap tanggap ang kabaklaan.Hindi ko maiwasan magtanong at magreflect.

Sa sobrang bilib ko (sa pelikula), sa sobrang pagkacarried away ko pagtapos kong panoorin ay ito sinusulat ko ito kahit ala una na ng madaling araw. Lakas ng impact ng Lihim ni Antonio sa akin. Ito pa lang ang pelikulang nagdulot sa akin ng hindi pagkatulog. Gusto ko sanang makadiscuss sa yo yong mga messages mo doon at makapagtanong din sana kahit sa email lang. Ang lakas ng loob kong gawin ito kasi patago. Wala sa kamag-anak ko ang nakakaalam ng interest ko sa topic na ito...

Molested Inside the Movie House
Oo nga pala share ko. Muntik na ako mamolestya nong first time ko manood ng sine, 13 ata ako noon nanood ng Shake Rattle and Roll Part 1 at doon ako malapit sa unahang mga silya ng may lumapit sa aking mama. Patay malisya ako noon talaga. Nangyayari na pala yang ganyan noon pa kaya nagka homophobia ako. Nastestereotype kasi di ba. Itong pelikulang LIHIM ay nagdepict ng ibang character na di stereotype. Congrats at sana magboom pa ang writing career mo. Sulat ka pa ng sulat. Sana sumulat ka rin ng hindi gay in the future although iyan ang "voice" na gusto mo iparinig at ipaalam sa mga taong hindi nakakaalam o nakakaunawa. Kung pwede nga lang na mameet kita at makamayan ay gagawin ko. Kaya lang parang awkward iyon at baka matakot ka sa akin kahit na ordinaryo naman ako, mabait at disente at mahiyain. Salamat sa pagbasa at pagtyatyaga.

Sa iyo nagmula ang kwento ng Lihim, kaya thumbs up ako sa yo. Ang LIHIM ko ay mananatiling LIHIM sa "family members" ko kasi talagang hindi nila mauunawaan.Itong email na ginagamit ko ay hindi totoong pangalan ko. Pero sana di kita nabore dito at sana makapagreply ka.Ngayong naemail ko na ito. Makakatulog na ako. Alas 2am na pala.




Hi A.D..

Thank you for writing.

First of all, being gay is not an abnormality. Homosexual acts have been documented in hundreds of other species within the animal kingdom. For whatever reason, nature has created homosexuality. Hence, it may be considered that such behaviour has a purpose in this grand scheme of natural life.

Thank you also for reading my blog posts in my other personal blog I am not a sad person as you have concluded. You may be surprised but I could be one of the happiest persons you could ever meet. Having a realistic perspective in life does not mean, one is sad. I’d like to think that I am simply enlightened to the limitations of our lives.

I hope you could continue to rite so your voice could also be heard by many other people. I’d be happy to meet you soon. I am sure there will be a lot of things we could discuss and debate on.

I hope you got a good sleep after writing this letter.

Have a beautiful, gay life!

Lex Bonife

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